Enjoy the Vancouver International Burlesque Festival from the perspective of the one and only Foxy Tann!
12:17 AM. May 2, 2013. The Canadian Border.
I did not know that Canadians punished fun loving Americans. We, meaning Professor Honey Bunny, RedBone and I, arrived triumphantly at the border with Canada in the Focus, my trusty steed in all endeavors burlesque. Have I mentioned that we looked like sparkly hillbillies?
A giant backpack resides on the roof of the Focus, carrying all of our essentials: steamer, fabric, hot melt glue guns, button makers, shoes, pillows, ‘massagers’, sequins, 30’ boas, six giant afros, four gallons of glitter, medical adhesive, a case of double sided carpet tape… You get the picture. We were at the beginning of our six week tour – Denver, to Vancouver, to Vegas for BHoF – and there are things that a girl needs to feel civilised. So we arrive at the border, punchy and weird looking, just gushing about how excited we are to come and finally hang out in Vancouver. We have heard so much about it – that it’s awesome and sunny (we are interested in these things in Minnesota) and warm (mind you, it had snowed five days earlier in Minneapolis). Canada is gonna be just fabulous.
This is the very handsome (who knew?!) Canadian Border Guard’s response – verbatim, I swear!
Hot Border Guard: Ms. Tann, could you please step over here?.
FT: (Gasp of anticipation that I might get strip searched by HBG) Yes sir.
HBG: (Holding up gallon ziploc bag of 20s volcano rhinestones) Ms. Tann, can you explain this?
FT: Uhhhh… that is not what it looks like!
HBG: This here looks like intent to distribute, Ms. Tann. (Super pregnant pause.) This is more than personal use; who could possibly need this many rhinestones? And what about these? ‘HardCore Pasties’? We are good and decent people here in Canada and you Americans just think you can come up here, have the time of your lives and just leave your glitter and rhinestones and those godforsaken feathers for us to clean up. What about the children? Well we have had enough, Ms. Tann. Enough!
FT: Oh come on! They aren’t even Swarovski!
HBG: ENOUGH!
Thank God I travel with my lawyer, Benjamin Franklin! He has got me out of more sticky situations, I swear. I don’t know what I would do without him. Not so Hot Border Guard was finally ‘reasoned’ with and we were sent on our merry way… finally. But I don’t get to go back to Canada unless I fill out a giant form that proves that I have been ‘rehabilitated’, and get Benjamin Franklin involved again! DAMN YOU CANADA! We just got here!
2 AM-ish. May 2, 2013. Chez NineDoors, Vancouver BC.
Door opens; tasty adult beverage is shoved into our hands; led to smoking lounge; smacked upside head with good old fashioned government agricultural know-how; led to giant, hidden one bedroom apartment; shown vaporisor; put to bed by Professor HoneyBunny. They were right about Vancouver! Canada ain’t so bad
? PM. It’s light out. May 2, 2013.
Smoking lounge. I am in love with Brother Keys and his brilliant wife. What’s going on… There’s a show tonight. I am not in it, so I get to watch. I like to watch…
8:32 PM. May 2, 2013. Productions Show: Intermission, Alley behind The Rio Theatre.
Just got done watching Burgundy Brixx’s fantastic theatrical endeavor about Gypsy Rose Lee! Ms. Brixx seems to be in the process of making a really awesome actual theatrical show! Yay! Team work! And she is fierce! Have met the sound guy, SugarNipples. Always make friends with SugarNipples! Did you know that all sound guys are named SugarNipples? Strange isn’t it?
Intermission is almost over; we are in for a MoTown tribute… cute! People in Vancouver are so damn nice! And generous! Holy buckets! Evidently my reputation preceded me! Here’s to advance teams!
9:43 PM. May 2, 2013. Production’s Show: Alley behind The Rio Theatre.
I LOVED the Professor and the art work, the Dali piece. Really clever, the whole thing; I laughed out loud…very funny! Yay! SugarNipples is back! Foggy! I love Vancouver! I wish I lived in Canada. Sigh.
11 AM. May 3, 2013. Chez NineDoors.
Brother Keys: I am going to the herbal store… can I pick up anything for you?
FT: (Closes eyes and sighs with joy.) Oh Canada, how I love thee. Let me count the ways…
Afternoon. May 3, 2013. Shops by Water and Pretty Buildings.
LOOK! LATEX!
6 PM. May 3, 2013. The Vogue Theatre.
Can I just say that parking in Vancouver sucks? Really it does. They should do something about that!
6:30. May 3, 2013. The Vogue Theatre Basement.
OMG my dressing room! My very own dressing room! With star on the door! The theatre is GORGEOUS! Oh, to do burlesque in theatres like this all the time! Like it’s art and stuff… now wouldn’t that be nice?
6:45. May 3, 2013. The Vogue Theatre Basement: FT’s Dressing Room.
Lonely… no one to tee hee with.
6:47. May 3, 2013. The Vogue Theatre Basement: FT’s Dressing Room.
Now have RedBone and Crystal Precious as roomies! Vodka and Judith Stein have arrived! Now the party has started!
8:22 PM. May 3, 2013. The Vogue Theatre, Backstage.
Oooooooooh! This is a fierce show folks, my God! People are bringing it!
9:27 PM. May 3, 2013. Alley behind The Vogue Theatre, Intermission.
Heeeeeeey, SugarNipples! Yay! All the guys running the show! Lights are awesome, sound is awesome, it’s all running like a top! Go VIBF!
10:20 PM. May 3, 2013. The Vogue Theatre, Backstage.
OK, new faves…
April O’Peel (who finally got her HardCore pasties hand delivered from MN) and SISTER Whatshername, Wrong Note Rusty! I have no idea what I just watched, but I loved it! Rabbit head, garters, heels, wow! Head is spinning! Now THAT is entertainment!
And horribly loud shout-outs to Cherry On Top! Thank you for pushing all envelopes! Work sister!
RedBone killed it! New choreography! HOT! I am so damn proud of her I can’t stand it. Just a little emotional… just a little.
11:42 PM. May 3, 2013. Some Cute Bar near The Vogue Theatre.
FT: Vodka tonic, lotsa lime, tall!
(Bartender mixes drink with exactly 1oz vodka in a giant tumbler, fills with soda, 1 lime. Slides it to me. I look down at the drink, look back up at bartender, look back down at drink, etc.)
FT: (Smiling, winking.) Can I get that full of flavour?
Bartender: Would you like a double, Ms. Tann?
FT: Why yes, I would.
(Bartender pours exactly 1oz more of vodka into glass, repeat previous scenario.)
Bartender: That will be $14, Ms. Tann.
FT: (Faints.)
? AM. May 4, 2013. Chez NineDoors.
Have I mentioned that the residents of Chez NineDoors are complete and utter hippies? They have spent the entire weekend planting their garden as well as working on VIBF; this is dedication to lifestyle. We have finally got the whole garden planned and plotted out after much contemplation and frequent safety meetings. The squash will work well in the back corner and the sunflowers are going to block the nosy neighbours nicely. Nosy busybody neighbours… Might as well give them something to talk about!
2 PM. May 4, 2013. Vancouver Center for Burlesque.
Classes are FULL! How awesome! I am totally down with the educational spirit of The First Ladies of Vancouver. What a beautiful space. Very fancy and trendy! I could totally do this, really I could! And there is unbelievable coffee down the street. Thank you, Baby Jesus! Lola Frost is unbearably perky and sultry/sexy and flexible all at the same time, and it seems that she is this way prior to dawn. It’s not an act – she really is that way, like, for reals…
6:30pm PM. May 4, 2013. Alley behind The Vogue Theatre.
Judith Stein has beaten me to the alley! Unbelievable! She is a relentless flirt. She has made SugarNipples BLUSH! Judith got chops, and a Brit, just like The Fox!
8:02 PM. May 4, 2013. Backstage, The Vogue Theatre.
I have decided that I love The Professor! I already love my Professor, as in HoneyBunny, but I now love Burgundy’s Professor as well! He is f*ckin’ FUNNY! Snort, spit take funny! I may have ruined my dress!
May 4, 2013. Post-performance, The Vogue Theatre Dressing Room.
I got to introduce Catherine D’Lish and sit on her chaise. She didn’t even get mad about it! She’s so quiet and dignified, so unlike The Fox. I am in awe. Poor Russell Bruner… I don’t care how many times you done seen ‘em, it’s different up close and personal like that! Brava, D’Lish, brava! And now to follow my own rule – pack, then drink! [Click here to read about Catherine D’Lish and Russell Bruner’s scandalous antics on stage at the Vancouver International Burlesque Festival…]
10 PM. May 5, 2013. Kitty Nights West.
Again, RedBone kicked the shit out of it, again! So good to see people do more than one number in a night! I think it gives the audience something more to think about, and hell, we are there anyway, right? Might as well do a couple of numbers! Again, I am having trouble achieving a buzz via vodka here. I even went to the liquor store. Fainted again. Oh, the humanity – $40 for a 750ml Absolut. Really? Official decree of the Canadian Government stating that Foxy Tann shall be made unable to catch a buzz and shall have her wallet hoovered out to support her nasty vodka habit. I submit. I am gonna get almost drunk if it makes me broke, Canada! Screw you Canada and your liquor laws!
And then they towed the Focus.
Yes they did.
Ah, Vancouver…
Foxy Tann
