by Lola Frost.
There is a danger to the word sexy.
It’s like a preloaded gun that someone handed to you to use but you didn’t ask for it in the first place. But here you are, finger on the trigger, pointing at a target and hoping you hit the bullseye.
Sexy is subjective. Sexy is preordained. Sexy is a myth. Sexy is as individual as each person, and yet it is commodified and sold as something standard and commercial – something unattainable. No wonder women rebel against it – or long for it so intensely. We shy away from this human right of feeling sexual because we do not feel sexy. Their kind of sexy. If we look to the mainstream to give us clues on how to be a woman and how to be sexy, we are losing a game that was never meant to be won.
I see girls all the time that play into the game. They are conforming to an ideal being sold to them. It leaves a thin residue on their look, something a bit sad or uncomfortable. You can tell by the way they pull down their spandex dresses, standing against walls, hunching over to slightly disguise what that push up bra is peddling. You can catch them looking back at their faux tanned faces in the club bathroom feeling slightly inadequate. ‘I look sexy, like they told me I would, why do I feel unsatisfied?’
“…let me whisper a little secret – sexy is as sexy does. You have the choice to create what sexy looks like for you and then you get to embody it.”
This kind of sexy was designed for the attention of a male stereotype that has also been sold an image. An image with a fabricated personality attached to it, based in marketing, not in authenticity. In this loop, the women seek attention, dressed like over-sexed vixens feeding the image put out for them. The men they attract give them the attention that is attached to that image, often negative and misplaced. And we wonder why there is a familiar taste of self-fulfilment.
Come over here a moment and wrap your pinky around mine, stand close to me and let me whisper a little secret – sexy is as sexy does. You have the choice to create what sexy looks like for you and then you get to embody it. When you create your own rules for how you want to look and feel, you are the master of your own game. Your body, your feelings, your expression, your rules. It’s not always an easy task to dig in and define what makes you sexy, but it is worth the effort to explore.
For those of you who don’t feel sexy on the basis of what you have been told, or because you don’t fit the mould, welcome to the club. No one does, at first. It’s easy to find others sexy and attribute qualities to them that might relate to your ideas of what sexy is. But once you start opening up to your own voice, you will become aware of why you find them sexy in the first place. The ones you admire are sexy because they have chosen to be that way. In that moment. For themselves. Not for the approval of others. Your power, your confidence and your presence is what makes you sexy.
“You should not have to parade around in something that does not suit you to feel like a beautiful, desirable being. I often feel this is what ‘sexy’ is trying to sell.”
The word sexy evokes images of getting or having sex. Being ravished for your looks by someone unable to contain themselves because your sexy is too strong! For this reason, it can be uncomfortable for people to explore. Everyone has the capacity to be sexy, because everyone is a sexual being. Sexy is directly related to sex and having it; therefore, the act of being sexy could be seen as the attraction of having sex.
You should not have to parade around in something that does not suit you to feel like a beautiful, desirable being. I often feel this is what ‘sexy’ is trying to sell. We all want to be desired in some way, but do we desire ourselves in that state we are projecting? Do we find what we are projecting to be what we truly desire?
Please note – if your true brand of sexy is wearing small spandex dresses, then by all means, carry on; I encourage this highly. Have you met me?
Try this on with me. Start naked and add on as you see fit.
Sensuality can exist without sex. But can also contribute to sex.
Sensuality is not being sexy, it is being of the senses. Of being aware. Of being present and exploring not only the self, but your environment. What would happen if you seduced yourself? What would you want, what would you see, how does it smell, how does it taste, what does it feeeeeel like? If you don’t know, it’s time to ask some questions. Every being on the planet is sensorial, but our ability to express it is what sets us apart. Getting to know what you love about yourself and allowing your actions to cultivate it will start to unlock your true voice.
The senses, all six of them, are what give you power. Your belief in them are what brings them to life. We are each so unique, living in the moment of all that has come before us. Taking with us a rich tapestry of experiences and memories, likes and dislikes, desires and rejections. You don’t necessarily have control over what comes into your life and effects you, but you do have control over what you put out and the choices you make in the moment.
“Sexy is a modern term for what will bring you sex; sensuality is deeper.”
By exploring your own sensuality, by tapping into what pleases you, you create your own expression of seduction. Attracting, in turn, those that are in alignment with your passions. You are creating a dream with your desires and people will be seduced by it as long as you believe it. Believing it leads to becoming it. Sexy is a modern term for what will bring you sex; sensuality is deeper. The senses are defined by nature and given to us all, interpreted by you to bring them life. Using what the world gave you for exploration through the senses, you don’t have to buy into a falseness; you get to create authentically.
I personally find myself using many of the senses at once, creating an environment in my mind and body. When I open my eyes and look at my audience, every movement and breath translates what that vision is. I invite them in. Some come with me willingly and others linger at the door and just watch. It’s not up to me to seduce the whole world; not everyone is buying what I am selling. Frost is not everyone’s cup of tea. I know what I love, and spend time refining it and presenting it to the world. Even if my take on sensuality or sexy or seduction is not your style, you are always welcome to observe. One of my favourite parts about being in a world of sensual creatures is the unlimited scope of inspiration and interpretation.
A little something for everyone.
Find out more about Lola Frost at www.thelolafrost.wordpress.com
Rock’N'Roll Flapper, Burlesque Performer, Bad Ass Dance Instructor, Ninja, Make Out Artist, Sass Master, Rebel with a Cause. Co-Director of The Vancouver Burlesque Centre and member of Sweet Soul Burlesque. Lola's thoughtful and eloquent articles have attracted a whole new wave of fans on 21st Century Burlesque. Stay tuned for more.